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Friday, December 29, 2006 It's an awful night. But you can tell as much by the fact that I'm blogging at 5.30 in the morning. A lot of things are swirling in my head, and it took me a lot of trouble to fall asleep. Then my hamsters had to wake me up, and I can't seem to get back asleep. First of all, apologies to the following people: LY for not being able to see you off as promised tonight, Sel for telling ya I'm was and then not going, TXP, Thong and Kiat for the hurried dinner and having to leave so early. I was late for the meeting but I didn't get scolded or anything. Not that it would have mattered if I did. My calendar is in a mess and I really ought to manage my personal affairs better than this (yay first New Year resolution). I've been forced to take a good look at myself again today, and what I've become since leaving the big R. When I hear, and see, how successful everyone's become, I can't help but feel inferior. And wonder what the ****'s happened to me. It's not the first time I feel like the class dunce. And I wonder if that's what drove me to leave the R family, to escape the expectations and the frustration of not living up to them. This sentence probably seems like the only rational one in the entire paragraph. But I do feel like a ****ed up failure sometimes. But anyway that was more to muse upon my reasons for leaving R than to bemoan my failure status. Monday, December 25, 2006 Character I would be true, for there are those who trust me;Howard A. Walter I would be pure, for there are those who care; I would be strong, for there are those who suffer; I would be brave, for there is much to dare; I would be friend of all -- the foe, the friendless; I would be giving, and forget the gift; I would be humble, for I know my weakness; I would look up, and laugh, and love, and lift. Saturday, December 23, 2006 This was originally one big negative post, then I deleted it. Because my original intention for posting was to bring some cheer to myself, and hopefully others as well, but I ended up thinking about all my troubles and.. yikes. So I'll just permit myself one sentence: I'm scared, really scared that everything will turn into a nightmare, that the paths I chose thinking it was the best for everyone will turn out to only bring more pain and suffering and be WRONG, and the really horrifying thing is that I seem to have made that mistake not once but MANY MANY times, and the brutal truth is revealed to me all at once, and I will, most definitely, be unable to take it. Ok, I cheated a bit there, that was one heck of a sentence. Well, I highly recommend everyone to go watch School Rumble. It is a light-hearted romantic comedy anime that will definitely make you laugh and temporarily forget your troubles. And I'll stop here before my negativity takes over again. =P Wednesday, December 20, 2006 Still got some time so let me continue the grandfather story.. Sunday afternoon was family time, we went to the temples. Limited time, so I treasure it. Because that night was Chief Sangitoroto's birthday gathering, a chance to meet up with close friends. Now that the chief's back we should meet up more before he flies again but curse those hall commitments.. However just ask and I'll try my best to make it. Monday was armour-testing day and I think I managed it fine. It was also my first welfare duty for Sheares Productions and my partner had to fly my aeroplane. I had almost no idea what needed to be done and the incessant rain didn't make things any easier, luckily the sets engineers were understanding (well, I do know at least half of them). The lorry and no cast rehearsals also made things a lot more manageable. Yesterday's hockey training got washed out, which means I'm quite badly behind schedule for trainings. Competition day is less than 2 weeks away.. So let's start in chronological order.. My neighbour (house neighbour, not hall neighbour) got married last weekend. She's the second daughter of the family. Everyone who saw the son, who's the youngest, asked him when it will be his turn. No one dared say anything like that to the eldest daughter who, to the best of my knowledge, has never even had a boyfriend before. The wedding dinner was held at Raffles City Convention Center, which probably cost a few peanuts. Seems like no one holds weddings at Chinese restaurants anymore, unless they REALLY cannot help it. It's all about 面子 and 气派 nowadays. Friday was spent with ying, fixing her computers (yah she has 2 now). On our way to Sim Lim Square, at Bugis MRT, we bumped into a blind man asking for help, standing right in front of the escalators. I was going to pass him by, but ying stopped immediately and tried to help. It turns out that he wanted to go to the food court, and someone led him the wrong way. ying proceeded to dump him on me, and I gallantly led him to the food court, whereupon he asked if I could buy Chinese tea for him. On the way to the drinks stall, several stallholders called out to me, and told me that the blind man is a cheat, he's not really blind and I'm not the first he's brought there. I thanked them, and spent quite a few seconds agonising over what to do next. It didn't seem quite right to just leave him there and walk away, even if he was a cheat. ying solved the problem by leading me out of the food court. ying was a little upset that the man turned out to be a cheat. She said she wouldn't know whether to help or not the next time. I, too, think that the man will "spoil the market" for people who really need help. I proceeded to point out certain inconsistencies in his story -- First of all, blind men are more independent than we give them credit for. They will not travel unescorted if they do not know the place well, and their sense of pride means they will not let themselves be guided (the man let me). Also, they will use their stick even when they're guided, the man just let it float in the air which puzzled me for quite a while. He claimed he was meeting friends at 7.30 but it was barely 2 and he was already there. When I asked him about that he just shrugged then asked me (for the x-th time) whether he was inconveniencing me. He asked me for 2 $1 coins, when I asked him why he said he was meeting his friend to lend him money, and he had no extra money (A 3-year-old would have seen through that, but then he asked me again if he was causing me trouble, and didn't give me time to ponder the inconsistencies). Anyway, just wanna say that I enjoyed the time with ying. She's a very 真 person, she is always herself and she doesn't hide anything. She also happens to be very perceptive and observant, she sees things that I try to hide. Both these qualities of her mean that I also don't hold back when I'm with her, I think I am really myself when I'm with her. Sadly I find that refreshing and rejuvenating, because I'm always wearing one mask or another all the time. She's one of the few who've earned a special pass from me, though she probably doesn't know it (heck, none of those who have the pass know they have it) -- "Call and I'll be there." So much has happened over the past week that's worth blogging about, that I don't know where to start. My mind has been cluttered and I've never had a chance to sort out everything inside. Everywhere I look it's duties and obligations and responsibilities, and it's come to the point where I can't tell the difference between what I want to do and what I have to do: Do I go for training because I want to or because I have to? Do I go home because I want to or because I have to (before they stop regarding me as family ;P)? And the whole level is so empty, my 2 neighbours are always out and about, busy with their own stuff, so every day when I get back I just coop myself in the room and play online jigsaw + M2TW. Which makes me feel very sian such that when I do meet people I don't even feel like conversing beyond "Hi" and "Bye". If this is the way it's gonna be for the rest of the holidays then I should have gone home. Ok now everything is falling into place inside my head.. But I don't want to write such a long entry that not even I will read it.. Thursday, December 14, 2006  Thursday, December 07, 2006 There exists a tree in a land far far away. I feared that it'd be dead and gone by now, but it is still strong and healthy. There exists a similar tree in a forgotten corner of my heart. Disease and neglect have taken their toll, but the roots are deep and the trunk is strong, and there's hope for it yet. I will try to restore it, to match its twin in the far away land. Before I'm done with that, let's not expose it again, it is an upsetting sight. Wednesday, December 06, 2006 Kope-ed from misty's blog.. Thanks misty! =) I'm quite sure I have the song buried somewhere (the last time I d/led their entire discography), why didn't I notice it earlier? 无印良品 - 如果你还爱我 我带着一颗疲惫的心走了 我带着一颗沉重的心走了 难道早已注定 我知道你不敢对我表白 如果你还爱我 如果你还爱我 过了前半年的风风雨雨后，终于能够掀开另一页，开始新的一章。本想写得风平浪静，让自己能够找回失去的，从建破碎的，安抚惶恐的。现在，为一段话上句号，所以来一点回顾。似乎是‘树欲静而风不止’，又或许是‘树偏往风大之处倚’，但是一波初平，一波又起。人生又充满了酸甜苦辣。如此，故事才精彩吧。很想很想结束这一章，因为觉得已无转机（随然还抱着一丝丝希望），但是并没那么容易。心，疲惫不堪，也实在怕了。下一章，誓必做个缩头乌龟。 Last paper in an hour's time! Then "forced" to go down for touch rugby training.. sianzz.. And the way things are turning out wouldn't be eating dinner at home at all this week. Ultra sianzz.. Responsibilities, obligations, et al. Sigh. Tuesday, December 05, 2006 Tomorrow is my last exam! So looking forward to the end.. Then I think I'll spend a few well-deserved days at home, and let my hamsters finally meet the parents.. =P Someone I thought of as a good friend is so cool towards me now.. Even if we don't talk much at all (even if I'm not much of a talker), the cool response is still hurting.. Although I have to ask myself if I've been deserving of a better response? But things are pretty complicated and instinctively I know that it's not something I can change. I'm suddenly reminded of this novel I read, a parting gift from RI's library (I wonder if Ms Yap chose that book for me on purpose?). I can't remember the title, but it was about this boy who went through JC and uni, he was very much like me, he did a lot of stuff here and there yet he ended up very much alone, because everyone went their separate ways in the end. Will I end up like him? I've been pretty anti-social lately.. eating meals by myself, barely talking to anyone, online or offline. To the point that I struggle to hold a decent conversation nowadays (and so I try even harder to avoid any). Can I blame it on the mugging? Well people ask me out but they ask me out on the same day or on days when I'm busy and I have to turn them down and whenever I turn someone down I wonder if they'll ask me out again? *shakes head, clears mind* Well I guess if no one asks me out I'll just have to do the asking. Sunday, December 03, 2006  Today the world conspired to pull me down. First I did badly for my test. Really badly. I've never done worst for any test in 17 years of schooling. Then I was so shell-shocked, I forgot to bring my matric card out with me. I only realised it when I reached hall, and by the time I got back to SoC my lecturer had gone home. So I'm without my card for my weekend, and considering I use my card to get in and out of hall and my room, that's pretty nasty. So, uh, good try, world. Almost had me there. But, luckily, I'm made of sterner stuff than that. I made it through NS, so this is still just small stuff. At most cannot get 1st-class lor, I don't need it anyway. Anyway on to happier stuff. I went for Wakin's concert alone and I don't regret it! He sang for 4 hours straight with no interval.. He sang with just a guitar for 10 minutes for his band to go to the washroom.. But even though he sang for so long, there're still so many of his songs that he didn't sing.. So it's back to mp3s.. A guy proposed onstage during his concert.. during the song 明天我要嫁给你, which I think is an inappropriate song, but which seems to work (according to him Fish Leong used it to great success). But the guy wasn't eloquent enough, and Wakin had to help him out a lot.. Aiyoh, not up to it then don't propose on stage mah, even the wife also a bit paiseh that he's like that. =X Cab fare from Suntec to Stadium costs $7.50.. OMG.. In comparison, cab fare from Suntec to hall + midnight surcharge only $11.20.. Uncle cheat my money mah? But I was in too much of a hurry (and a bit too high) to care lah.. =P Most of the crowd was pretty passive, excepting a small clump of fan club members near the front. I wish I was amongst them, so I could cheer wildly and scream and sing along loudly while I'm still not too old (barely) to do such things.. I understand why Eve enjoys it so much, now.. Anyway it feels so much better when he sings live, the emotion he puts into his songs is so apparent. When he sings the sad songs it's really moving, almost to tears. I'm almost sorry that we didn't give him a warmer reception, but I suppose he's used to it lah, Singaporeans are like that. He loves us anyway. =) Maybe I'll join his fan club. =P Saturday, December 02, 2006 For the past 2 weeks, no for the past 2 months, sleep in hall has been counter-productive. Not only has my hamster dynamo been waking me up in the wee hours, the dreams have been exhausting. I've been chased, fought great monsters, searched for who-knows-what, done maths, and generally did, saw and thought stressful things. All in my dreams. It's no wonder I always wake up more tired than when I slept. It IS a big wonder that I've made it this far.. and when the worst is over (5 more days, now) then I can suavely brush my hair back and say "No sweat, babe." Nah. Dunno why but, my dreams aren't so tormenting when I sleep at home. Anyway 2nd last paper in an hour's time! Wish me luck because I'll really really need it.. Wakin's concert this evening! Whoo! Friday, December 01, 2006 Well I decided that Wakin's concert is too good to be missed, even if it means going alone. So I'm going tomorrow hooray! The concert is promised to be more than 3 hours long, and Wakin is a good performer, always funny and endearing, so it's going to be shiok, shiok, shiok! =D As a prelude, here are some of his songs: 我的情歌 詞：許常德 曲：賴雨辰 編：包小松 總覺得幸福是種負擔 怕明天醒來它變成遺憾 天色慢慢慢慢變暗 相守太難 容易感傷 總覺得付出比較簡單 當我愛的人他還在遊盪 感情漸漸漸漸變淡 不是溫柔可以補償 情歌唱得那麼孤單 思緒那麼混亂 我從來不懂把心藏 但往事不能不看 寂寞不能不管 我一步一步回頭去糾纏 情歌唱得那麼悲傷 妳是那麼難忘 要如何才能將妳斷 而俗世都是一樣 愛恨之後聚散 我一次一次勸自己遺忘 總覺得等待不能太長 任時光流轉它沒有答案 妳我緩緩緩緩變淡 分手也許是種體諒 情歌唱得那麼孤單 思緒那麼混亂 我從來不懂把心藏 但往事不能不看 寂寞不能不管 我一步一步回頭去糾纏 情歌唱得那麼悲傷 妳是那麼難忘 要如何才能將妳斷 而俗世都是一樣 愛恨之後聚散 我一次一次勸自己遺忘 情歌唱得那麼孤單 思緒那麼混亂 我從來不懂把心藏 但往事不能不看 寂寞不能不管 我一步一步回頭去糾纏 情歌唱得那麼悲傷 妳是那麼難忘 要如何才能將妳斷 而俗世都是一樣 愛恨之後聚散 我一次一次勸自己遺忘 總覺得等待不能太長 任時光流轉它沒有答案 妳我緩緩緩緩變淡 分手也許是種體諒 ｛分手也許是種體諒｝｛分手也許是種體諒｝｛分手也許是種體諒｝ I CAN'T REMEMBER 詞、曲：周厚民 編 、吉他彈奏：周華健 Every day when I think I see her, want to meet her. I turn the other way. And all the time I wanna say something to her, say something to her. I wait another day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wait another day. And everyday I try hard not to stare, not that she'd care. But I'm too shy to act on a care. And if I find that she can't be mine, she's not my kind, then I would be wasting my time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would be wasting my time. They all tell me just to speak my mind, and let my mouth unwind to act real gentle and kind. I don't think I'm ready yet to call her mind. I don't think it's time. It's easier said than done. No I can't remember. No I can't remember. No I can't remember. No I can't remember my life. And everyday I've get a present to give her, present to give her, I put the present away. And everyday when I think I miss her, I want to kiss her, I keep my distance and wait. Until a day when I've got something to say, got something to say That will be my happiest day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That will be my happiest day. They all tell me just to speak my mind, and let my mouth unwind to act real gentle and kind. I don't think I'm ready yet to call her mind. I don't think it's time. It's easier said than done. No I can't remember. No I can't remember. No I can't remember. No I can't remember my life. And every day I've get a present to give her, present to give her, I put the present away. And every day when I think I miss her, I want to kiss her, I keep my distance and wait. Until a day when I've got something to say, got something to say That will be my happiest day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That will be my happiest day. No I can't remember. No I can't remember. No I can't remember. No I can't remember my life. And every day I've get a present to give her, present to give her, I put the present away. And every day when I think I miss her, wanna kiss her, I keep my distance and wait. Until a day when I've got something to say, got something to say That will be my happiest day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That will be my happiest day. 永远陪伴你 在一个动荡不安的年代 有一位少女与一位歌手 他们的生活里忘却了忧愁 只盼望今生今世永远 唱着永恒的恋曲 唱着永不分离 啦 …… …… 直到有一天远方的号角响起 呼唤人们走向战场保卫家乡 年轻的歌手扛起了行囊 想起了他的歌和他的爱人 临去的时候 他猛然回首 看见他生生世世最牵挂的爱人 就站在门内 默默地垂泪 仿佛是想要留住他将远行的歌声 他转回身到爱人到爱人的身边 眼中带着眷恋 歌声带着爱怜 他说 不要悲伤 亲爱的姑娘 因为我的歌声将永远陪伴在你的身旁 (陪伴在你身旁 陪伴在你的身旁) 啦 …… …… 孤单中带着少许悲哀 悲哀中少女的歌 总是有不尽的爱 总是有诉不完的情 在等待的日子里想 在相思的岁月里唱 …… …… 终于她走上了寻找的路 带着他忧伤的情感与歌声 在漂泊的日子里她永远相信 相信他们曾经唱过的誓言 那段永恒的誓言那段永恒的歌 啦 …… …… 直到有一天她听到熟悉的声响 呼唤她走向爱人所在的地方 熟悉的旋律指引她寻觅 寻到受伤的歌手啊她的爱人 受伤的歌手睁开临终的眼眸 看见他朝朝暮暮最思念的爱人 就站在身边 默默地垂泪 仿佛是想要唤回他快唱完的歌声 受伤的他在爱人身边 眼中带着眷恋 歌声带着爱怜 他说 不要悲伤 亲爱的姑娘 因为我的歌声将永远陪伴在你的身旁 |
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