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Wednesday, February 28, 2007 During nation-building tutorial today my tutor made a good point about Singapore society's result-oriented mindset. This tendency to favour instant results and doing everything on the fast track has permeated to all facets of society, no thanks to the education system which has directly and indirectly, whether intentionally or not, afflicted us with the government's mindset. Anyway today's tutorial was about Singapore's current targeting of the biomedical industry and whether it is a good move. The source material is the recent spat between Philip Yeo, outgoing chairman of A*Star, and Dr Lee Wei Ling, head of the National Neuroscience Institute (and incidentally PM Lee's younger sister). But I agree with my tutor, that today's Singapore is almost all about instant results, instant gratification, and generally choosing the fastest way about things. Neglected is the need to build foundations, to slowly explore and find out and understand. Not just on a national level, but on a personal level as well. The government is unable to abandon its survival/siege mentality, but the idea that Singapore is facing threats on all sides and fighting for its survival as a nation is outdated. By many measures, we have "arrived", or are at least "somewhere there". So it's time we stop focusing on the short term, and look to the far future, and concentrate on building up other aspects of the nation that will carry us beyond our own lifetimes. I'm generally an impatient person, so I must learn to take things slowly, too. I'm reminded of a team-building exercise I went through, where 2 teams had to use newspapers and straws to build the tallest tower, at the beach. My team's tower was taller, but the strong winds at the beach toppled it and therefore the other team won. The lesson learnt was that a strong foundation was important. One can build the tallest tower, but if the first strong gust of wind topples it, its former height count for nothing. So, erm, do things slowly.. =) Tuesday, February 27, 2007 One post led to another and I couldn't stop reading. So I began reliving the days in 36 SCE, wearing army green. And I think I prefer the me then to the me now. Compared to then, now I am:
And, erm, yah, once in a while I get tired, then my mood dips and I say stupid stuff, whether offline or online. How I wish there was someone to say it to, someone who'll understand, and tolerate, and love me all the same. Like Windz back then in J1 outside the HCJC Reading Room. Someone whose relationship with me isn't ambiguous. =P Oops I think I've said a bit too much again. Goodnight everyone. P.S. Yah, so, disregard the crazy stuff I say when I get tired, ok everyone? Don't let it upset you. I'll just get better naturally. But if you want to accelerate the process just let me know you care. =) A chance visit to my website counter has turned up some interesting facts. Like the fact that this blog's 3rd birthday came and went without much fanfare. And I've had more than 5000 hits since this blog was started! And I think back to what made me start the blog. And how much has changed since then. I can almost see myself grow (and regress in some ways, too), as I look through the entries, and how the substance and style have changed. We've all come a long way since then, haven't we? Here's to a happy future for all. =) Another nugget of knowledge has given me some hope and courage for the immediate future. It also means I have to be less impulsive with my posts in future. =P Monday, February 26, 2007 And at the end of the day, I realise that I wasn't joking when I said that I'm picky. Very picky. Even though I used to think I was joking, that I am a really easygoing person. And actually my requirements look simple on paper, it is simply a matter of feeling. But feeling is abstract, and abstract things can be infinitely complex. And although I'm trying very hard -- it's like walking a tightrope, not too much one way or the other -- and sometimes things feel right, often things feel wrong, and it makes me doubt whether it will be sustainable in the long run. It has never been more apparent than right now, how impatient I am, and how stubborn and proud. I will not bend over backwards for anybody or anyone, I will not be subservient or the servant. I'm more than willing to meet halfway, but no further than that. Right now I feel like I'm bending over quite a bit, and my back is killing me. No worries lah, because there's nothing to worry about. I'll just keep at it until I get tired of it, and then I'll stop. Any less brings what-ifs, and I don't want any more of those. Any more brings regrets, and I think I've had enough of those, too. Who knows, things might work out in the end, because I've never been much good at predicting the future. I think it's a very man (no, not as in macho) thing to do, to want to keep troubles to oneself, rather than talk to people about it (haha grace, your personality dna seems quite accurate!). But, erm, a person's heart was made to pump blood, not keep secrets, so it's good for health to spit the bad blood out somewhere, whether it's a blog, a diary, or one's favourite soft toy. =P Sunday, February 25, 2007 What I'll give for a stasis cube to put my room in when I'm not around. Stayed home during the midterm break and came back to a horrible sight. Note to self: do not leave perishables in room during extended period of absence. Managed to clear most of it, except for the highway the ants started using in my absence. Aggravating because they're not getting food from my room, they're just using it as a major thoroughfare. I'm starting to miss home already.. haha. Friday, February 23, 2007 Just got back from a dinner with Duane. There's only me and PF left amongst us ex-S60-1st-3-monthers-who-still-meet-up-regularly, so there was just us.. and lots of Duane's friends. I sorta know them by sight ba, because I've played soccer with them a couple of times before, but they're a fun group and it's fun to listen to them chat and joke around. Duane brought a camera down to the restaurant, and forgot to use it. That's how it is with people who don't have the habit of taking lots of photos, they bring cameras and never use them. I used to do that too =P Keep hearing a lot of stuff about Jack, who seems to be leading a very interesting life since he went back less than 1 month ago. Sorry I've been busy, so haven't been able to chat with you online.. but, erm, even if you like it there there're better ways of prolonging your stay than by repeating your modules. =P Take care, yah? This sounds nasty, and I might get brickbats for this, but I really wish my teammates wouldn't make me feel like a babysitter. The point of working together in a project is not for me to hold their hands through the entire process like a father teaching his babies to walk. Can they please be nice enough to try and understand things and figure things out for themselves, RTFM (Read The F***ing Manual), and not ask me to do the thinking and understanding for them? I really ought to be spending my time figuring out my own part and how to get it done, rather than explaining how you should take a step with your right foot after taking a step with your left, and why trying otherwise is a bad idea that could result in a nasty bruise on the behind. Yeargh! Not that no one should ask me questions, but if I start telling you, politely or not, to RTFM, then it's something you could have easily sorted out by yourself. I know what being blur feels like so I try and help those who are blur but they gotta put in some effort themselves larh. Growl. I feel better now it's out of my system.. if the wrong person reads this please don't take it personally =P Thursday, February 22, 2007 When people are attached, they'll post very rarely. They share everything with their darlings and that's enough for them. When people are getting attached, their post count will increase very quickly. Actually, anybody going through emotional or mental stress will display that also lah (yes, it does imply that getting attached is stressful). As for me, I'm a tortoise coming out of its shell, so I post more and more lor. =) Seriously, I can't do work for more than 10 minutes at a time. Damn. Everybody's been putting theirs up so I'll put mine up also! Actually I did this quite some time ago, but I didn't want to start doing work yet so I did it again just now, and the results are almost the same! Guess I haven't changed much over the past year. And guys, there's more to gambling than mahjong, ok? Come back and Duane will open your eyes.. haha.. As one friend's MSN nick reminded, more than half the 1-week break has passed.. So going to spend today sorting out work.. Sianzz.. Tuesday, February 20, 2007 Today marks the first time in my life that I've received an empty angpao. Mr bro and I are counting this year's 'takings' after 2 days of visiting, and as I opened the angpaos one by one, I was astonished to discover one that was blank. I'm quite sure I didn't take any money out of any angpaos during these 2 days, and I can't remember who gave that angpao to me (I make it a rule not to remember, because usually if you need to remember who the bugger was it ain't for a good reason, and it's silly to get a bad opinion of someone just because of how much they put in your angpao). My mum says it's a good thing to get a blank angpao, but you know how they put a positive spin to almost everything that happens during CNY. Anyway that angpao's only worth $8, and an aunt gave me $50 extra for going on exchange, so no biggie. It's just quite amusing.. As the nephews and niece grow older, the gap between us grows greater. We all used to play together, I adored them and they adored me, but now I'm past the age for childish games and they're past the age to be warm and friendly to anyone who'd play with them, so to them we're just more of those anonymous aunties and uncles, just like most of our aunties and uncles are to us. I still adore them though. =) Mode of travel from my aunt's house to Duane's party turned into an extended family discussion. I wanted to drive myself there and drive myself back. My dad wanted to sit shotgun, arguing that I have 1 month more before taking off my 'P' plate, so better not to risk letting me drive unsupervised. The entire extended family chipped into the discussion. Got me a little pissed because I turned full adult 1+ year ago, for goodness' sake, can they all please let me do some things by myself? I appreciate all the concern but please let me stand on my own 2 feet. Hmph. Duane tried all ways and means to get me to gamble today, to the extent of asking PF to be a 'hostage'. But I don't like to gamble with strangers.. Luckily my dad was able to defuse the situation for me. =P Ack, we can gamble when the rest are back lah, JQ and Jack and Windz and maybe Windz's ahem.. ;) Monday, February 19, 2007 Had an exciting first day visiting relatives, some of whom I have never seen in years. It's really scary when we comment on the possibility that we'll see each other outside, and not know it. Anyway it's really good to see everyone again, especially the cousins on my mother's side. My mum and her sisters used to gather and meet up every weekend, so I've been playing with my cousins since we were all tots. The weekly meet-ups became fortnightly, monthly and now, sadly, almost yearly. And everyone's busy with their studies/work so we don't meet up much, if at all.. So we went to Party World from 10pm till 2am, I had a flu but did my best. It's freaking expensive.. 6 people came up to $169.. Luckily we're all still getting angpao money =P More visiting tomorrow, now it's time for bed. Happy CNY everyone =) Wednesday, February 14, 2007 Just watched Midnight Sun, which I got like months ago.. It's a really nice movie, but ladies please prepare tissue before watching =) V Day passed like any other school day, this is a bad week because there're quite a few deadlines to meet, and although it's only Wednesday I'm quite tired already. On the bright side quality of sleep in hall is improving, I still get some pretty disturbing dreams but at least I wake up feeling rested. Only got one gift for V Day but that was enough to make me sleep with a smiling face. I do feel loved. =D And thanks to those who said thanks after receiving my little token. =P No bachelors' outing this year but hope everyone found their fun/love today. Sunday, February 11, 2007 And a few nice comics to share:    The time between waking up and getting out of bed is a very productive time. It is the time to plan out what's to be done for the day, and also time to think about deeper issues before the 琐碎事 of the day 将所有其他思绪淹没. 2 or 3 posts ago, I said that everything and everyone else can wait until after I come back from Sweden. Only, time and tide waits for no man, and I wonder what will pass me by during this year and whether I really want to let it go just like that? It's almost deja vu, because at the start of last semester I remember telling myself exactly the same thing, as though the return from Sweden is some holy event that'll transform me into something a million times better. (Although I'm going further from home than I've ever gone before, I doubt it's gonna benefit me THAT much) Last semester I said "screw it, I'm gonna give things a go", and I flailed and I grasped and in the end the very things I wanted to hold on to slipped through my fingers anyway. So, maybe this time round I'll drift along some more. And grab chances as I see it. No more paddling to make myself go faster, and no paddling to make myself stop, either. Meanwhile I'll enjoy the scenery and get some much needed emotional rest. Saturday, February 10, 2007 Something seriously fucked up just happened. A call out of nowhere, asking for money that has already been paid. Things got a bit heated when the other party realised that it wasn't gonna be as easy as "Duh.. OK!" from me. But I mean, duh, of course it ain't gonna be that easy when it comes to money, and not a small amount at that. Talking about trust is fine, but trust and accountability go hand in hand and, since the existing paperwork only has my name on it, any "unofficial" transactions will only affect me, isn't it? Anyway it's just been settled, thank goodness. Didn't get as ugly as it could have, although it didn't really need to get as ugly as it did either. Aiyah.. Monday, February 05, 2007 2 posts in one day! Wow. It's just that I'm on Linux now. Just reinstalled it last night, because I screwed it up badly the 1st time (I tend to screw all 1st times up badly, but that's another story for another day). Running updates now, without having installed any additional stuff. Which includes MSN Messenger, ntfs mount drivers, games.. All I have is the Internet, so I've been reading blogs, including many that I have not visited for a while. Seems like people are all having their problems and sad moments, and the blog is a good place to put them up, like talking to a pseudo-good friend, in this time and age when real friends are no longer available on demand. I do quite a bit of it too, putting my grouses on public domain, even though there are friends around, but I don't want to impose on them lah, they can come here and read my troubles when they have the time.. and just a simple post from any one of them telling me to cheer up does cheer me up. =) Just went for a run. I did the A1 route without walking or stopping! Considering I haven't been running for almost a month, plus this is the 1st time I managed the A1 route without even walking, I think I'm justified to be a little prouder of myself. For the uninitiated, the A1 route follows the NUS bus service A1, a gruelling 4.8km hell-zone of ups and downs. Which brings to mind all that's wrong with me. I don't often mention my problem of hyperhidrosis (the link leads to some basic information on the condition, not authoritative but generally true). Sure, I get sweaty palms when I'm nervous, so does everyone else. What is disturbing is the times when my palms and feet sweat and I'm not nervous. I could be reading a book, watching a movie (romance/comedy even), watching performances, listening to a boring lecturer.. The palms sweat and make a mess of my notes, my laptop, my bag. Those I can deal with: clean my bag and laptop frequently, use scratch paper on top of notes and exam scripts. Handshakes are another problem, it's hard to give a good impression with a clammy handshake. Let's not even talk about dancing. What's more embarassing is the scalp sweat. Hyperhidrosis doesn't always cause normal sweat, that's mainly water and salts. My sweat is more viscous, it's very oily and it stinks. Sometimes I step out of a bath smelling nice, within a few minutes I start sweating, and I morph back into an irritated skunk. Enough about that. L came back for the CMB concert, which, by the way, was smashing. The amount of work everyone put in is amazing, and it all pays off. Anyway L was asking about some of the girls and me, and it's like that lor. See each other, smile and wave or say hi. I'm honestly tired of all the rs bs. I'm really taking some time off to focus on other people who mean a lot to me, especially my family. And the friends whom I hope will stay with me throughout my life's journey (so sorry I couldn't meet some of you today, but I couldn't make the time). Everything else and everyone else can wait till I come back from Sweden next year. People, of course, will and should move along; I don't think I'm worth waiting for, yet. To alvinny, 赠你一句话： 踏破铁鞋无觅处，得来全不费工夫。 Don't worry about it, you'll know when you meet the girl meant for you, and you'll know what to do then. =) What goes up must come down; I was high for the entire day, now comes the period not of sadness, but of sobriety. Of deep reflections and honest answers. Now let me hit publish before I regret it. Don't bother reading this, it's embarassing. Had a really busy weekend! Did spring-cleaning and New Year Shopping and lotsa small stuff at home. 2 days ain't long enough for everything that needed doing, and I didn't know that I still had so much stuff lying around in messy piles at home! With CNY less than 2 weeks away the family's bustling with the greatest chore of all: doing something about the junk that piles up over the course of 1 year (all 3 guys in the family are pack rats of varying severity). Had a lot to eat as well: homemade bubur chacha and bird's nest drink, home cooked dinner, and yummy food from nearby hawker centers. I commented that if it was like this everyday at home, I'll soon stop worrying about being too thin and start worrying about tipping the scale at the other end instead! Over the weekend, more than ever before, I feel a sense of belonging to the family and home. Let me explain: when we are young, home is just a place where we get food and shelter and some love from our parents. Some of us go back because no other place give us so much in return for nothing, some of us go back because we have no other place to go to. Crudely speaking we are parasites, taking from our family and giving nothing in return. As I grew older, home became less of a "no better alternative" thing, but became a place to look forward to. Going home grew to be less and less of nagging and being forced to do household chores and pesky younger brothers, but more of a place where I can relax, where there are people I can talk to about stuff, where I can take a brief respite from the rough and tumble and stress of the outside world. It became, as time passes, home to better and better food (my mom only started cooking when she got married and when I was young the food was TERRIBLE). But now, maybe it's because I can contribute positively to the home and the family, maybe it's because now I can choose whether to go home or not, but I really feel that it is MY HOME. That I go home because i want to, that I can actively contribute to its betterment; I feel a sense of true belonging. I'm not sure if anyone gets what I wrote, when I read it again I don't really get it, myself. Anyway the sojourn at home has rejuvenated me, and for today at least, I felt up to everything the world throws at me. The challenge now is to see how long I can sustain this mood for! =) Saturday, February 03, 2007 Alright I'll make this short because I'm really sleepy and tearing already. Received 2 pieces of wonderful news one after another. I'm really happy for the 4 people! (Well, more so for the 3 I know lah) Dun ask me when it's my turn la, there's no answer to such a question. Didn't I already say so last post? I'm so happy I'm wanna tell everyone about it! But I'll leave that to you 4 lah. =) Okay goodnight. |
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