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Sunday, August 28, 2005 I wonder what it's like to care for someone more than I care for myself, the way my parents care for my brother and I. I used to take it for granted, but now I can see how almost everything they do is for us. Even as I type they're fixing up a stand for me to bring back to my room, and worrying that it cannot fit between my bed and the door. Being away has really made me treasure them that much more. Not even when I was in the army did I miss them so much. I'm a selfish brat by contrast. I wish I could care for others the way they care for me. After all, they deserve no less from me. When I meet people in person or online, usually they're the ones to ask me how I am, and what I'm doing, and I don't show concern for them in return. I really want to find out, what it feels like to really care for someone. Wednesday, August 24, 2005 I'm not photogenic at all.. Aargh.. Wonderful evening with good friends tonight. Thank you PF, Windz, Duane and Jack! I love the present! Hmm I wanna get a digicam now, so I can show everyone the nice nice present. And also take photos of everyone *glares at Duane*. To-do: Get a wall hook and hang up my nice present. Also grab a digicam from home and take pictures of it, haha. Sometimes I'll wonder what I am to other people, but now I think it doesn't matter. Wat matters is who each of them are to me, and then I just treat them accordingly. That'll eliminate a lot of headaches. She forgot my birthday. Or did I tell her? But she has my friendster as well, so she should know. Wanted to call her, but didn't, then couldn't. Oh well such is fate. Don't want no more headaches. I'll just go with the flow and see where it takes me. Tuesday, August 23, 2005 Thoughts on being 21 I do not think that I've grown older, just because it's my birthday. Instead it's the people I meet, the things I experience, that make me grow older. I've always considered myself to be 3 years behind my actual age; now I'm proud to say I've closed the gap! Haha. Or maybe not: I don't feel 21, I don't look 21, I don't act 21. So, um, I'm still pretty much a work-in-progress. For my 22nd year, I hope I can: 1) Be better to my friends 2) Be better to my family 3) Get very good grades 4) Have stronger willpower 5) Get rid of my sweaty palms and soles 6) Have fun 7) Grow even older, by seeing more things and meeting more people Here's wishing for a happy year ahead for everyone! Saturday, August 20, 2005 Just read a lot of blogs. Feel pretty drained, both from lack of sleep and an active day. I wish everyone could stop worrying, stop thinking so much and just live life happily. Heck, I wish I could do the same. Had an enjoyable morning with Alf and *New*Water. Haha. They're all very nice and friendly people and I was pretty comfortable with them. The catering auntie was nice to talk to also. The food was quite nice, though we missed the chocolate eclairs since we, as ushers, ate last. Wouldn't mind going out with them again! Then back to my room, drenched after a flash downpour, changed clothes, dallied a while, flirted with sleep. And then to a surprise birthday party (pictures to follow, most likely on my multiply site). Thanks Hi-5!! You guys are a wonderful bunch. I love the shirt! Then to Dai's performance, which was entertaining. I think Dai was especially good! She's a natural actress, in a role tailor-made for her. Then home to spend a precious evening with my dear family. Never missed them this much while I was in the army. It's a pity I have to come back so soon, but I'll be back on Wednesday for 面线, I promise. My brother bought BF2!! Crazy fella, it's his O'Level year. But I must admit, the game is really addictive. So lucky my laptop cannot support it, haha. Today I'm constantly touched by how much the people around me care for me. And I'm constantly shaken by how much I take them for granted. I wonder what it is about me that deserves such wonderful treatment, considering how selfish and insensitive I am at times. But that is immaterial. What's more important is how, from today onwards, I'll show them my love and gratitude, by giving them back the care and concern they have always given me. How foolish of me to have ever felt alone. All I needed to do was turn my head back, and see all the people who have been behind me all the way. (Note to self: update links to other blogs.) Monday, August 15, 2005 There is such a thing as trying too hard. And I usually fall victim to that. But it is pointless to try too hard, to worry too much, it sometimes even has negative effects. For example, studying past midnight the day before an exam is trying too hard. Going for the exam with lack of sleep results in impaired memory and linguistic abilities. The challenge, I suppose, is to learn to take things easy. Especially when things really matter a lot, that can be hard to do. Gotta keep in mind that, effort does not always equal results. Effort can balance the scales, but it can also tip the scales further. Haha I'm going crazy, that was almost like a lecture. Must have been listening to too many lately myself. Who is he? What is he trying to do? Why does he appear everywhere she is? Who is she to him, and who is he to her? Why am I asking suc questions? What do I want? Who am I to her? Who is she to me? What do I do from now on? Maybe I'm trying too hard, trying too hard to shape my fate the way I want it. However fate is not something that can be shaped directly. So I should take a step back, and let time clear some of the fog that's around us right now. But it's so hard to take it easy, when this matters so much, so much to me. I really need to know whether there is something going between us, or whether I'm just wasting my time with you. To be honest I've yet to find a girl as good as you; sometimes I wonder if I ever will. This means so much to me right now, that I can't stop myself from thinking about it, and wondering if it's just me and an over-active imagination and a over-inflated ego, to have the audacity to imagine that you actually might love me. And everytime I tell myself to wait and see, I feel the time drifting away. Meanwhile he's coming ever-closer into your life, taking leaps and bounds into tying you onto him, tying himself onto you, making himself inseparable, omni-present. I should be either taking steps, or staying away, taking steps before he draws you to him, staying away before you draw me to you (or have you already, unknowingly?). Urgh, 问世间情为何物??? 纯真 - 五月天 长长的路上我想我们是朋友 如果有期待我想最好是不说 你总是微笑的你总是不开口 世界被你掌握 月亮绕地球地球绕着太阳走 我以为世界是座宁静的宇宙 今晚的天空有一颗流星划过 在预言着什麽 在无声之中你拉起了我的手 我怎麽感觉整个黑夜在震动 耳朵里我听到了心跳的节奏 星星在闪烁 你怎麽说 你心中一定有座浓雾的湖泊 任凭月光再皎洁照也照不透 你眼中闪烁湖面无边的温柔 那波光在诱惑 在无声之中你拉起了我的手 我怎麽感觉整个黑夜在震动 耳朵里我听到了心跳的节奏 星星在闪烁 你会怎麽说 在无声之中你拉起了我的手 我怎麽感觉整个黑夜在震动 耳朵里我听到了心跳的节奏 星星在闪烁 你会怎麽说 你已经有他就不应该再有我 世界的纯真此刻为你有迷惑 我想我应该轻轻放开你的手 我却没有力气这麽做 Thursday, August 11, 2005 Reading blogs of people who are leaving soon can be quite depressing. Take heart people, it's only 4 years. Go out there and have fun. I'm sorry I cannot send everyone off, school's opened and inter-block games are beginning. I'm the Hockey captain for my block! Because I'm the only freshman who knows how to play hockey, sadly. Hall activities are slowly and steadily taking over my life. I resent that, because I have my own life outside, and I do not want to grow distant from my friends. It takes getting used to, this lack of time and lack of freedom, after so many months of doing whatever I like, meeting whoever I wish, and having the time to recuperate from the more strenuous outings. Now I have to keep an eye on the clock always, worry about getting back to hostel on time, about getting enough sleep, enough time to prepare for lessons. Had to leave on National Day before midnight, even though I wished we could talk longer, spend more time together. Didn't make it for the run this morning with XL. Sorry! I was so tired after last night, I plain forgot to set my alarm. If you hadn't called to wake me up, I'll still be asleep now. And miss my lecture and driving lesson. So I owe you one, man. Let's try to run again one of these days. I'm really tired. Even though I can make myself not look it, even not feel it myself sometimes. A few weeks ago I said I was running on reserves, now I no longer know what it is that keeps me going, keeps me on the fine edge of falling sick and collapsing from exhaustion. I keep trying to clear my commitments, so I can rest with an easy heart, but they're coming faster than I can clear them. Is this what life is going to be about for the rest of mine? Wednesday, August 10, 2005 I love rollercoasters. I enjoy the highs and hate the lows, sometimes I wish I could just get off, but now that I'm off, all I can think about is, "When can I ride it again?" 掌心 - 无印良品 词:王裕宗 曲:光良 你手中的感情线是不肯泄漏的天机 那也许是我一生不能去的禁区 我到底在不在你掌心还是只在梦境中扎营 在茫茫的天和地寻觅一场未知的感情 爱上你是不是天生的宿命 深夜里梦里总都是你倩影 而心痛是你给我的无期徒刑 摊开你的掌心让我看看你 玄之又玄的秘密 看看里面是不是真的有我有你 摊开你的掌心握紧我的爱情 不要如此用力 这样会握痛握碎我的心 也割破你的掌你的心 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fireworks were fun, but a little short. The Benjamin Sheares bridge was jam-packed with people, and I with my huge bag struggled amidst the human swarm. Took lots of pictures with my 2 'cameras', pity I can't share them with anyone. Somewhere Out There by Linda Ronstadt & James Ingram Somewhere out there, Beneath the pale moonlight, Someone's thinking of me, And loving me tonight. Somewhere out there, Someone's saying a prayer, That we'll find one another, In that big somewhere out there. And even though I know how very far apart we are, It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star, And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby, It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky! Somewhere out there, If love can see us through, Then we'll be together, Somewhere out there, Out where dreams, Come true... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Today's outing didn't go as planned, but it still went quite well, thankfully. Everyone looked like they had a decent time at least. I'll make up for this another day. But it validates a statement I made not long ago to someone, that it's not what you do that matters, it's who you do it with. Monday, August 08, 2005 Choices, choices, choices. So many choices, which one is right? It is so scary to have to choose, because sometimes 1 wrong choice can have repercussions throughout my life. What major to take? What minor to take? Whether to take a minor at all? What modules to take? What clothes to wear today? Which friends to keep and which ones to keep at arm's length? Which outing to go for? Who to ask out for lunch? For dinner? What hall activities to join? What time do sleep? Sometimes I miss the army, where everything is regimented, fixed, where there was no need to think, no need to worry, that's what the officers and warrant officers and senior sergeants are paid to do. Where there's little need to wonder what to have for lunch, what to wear even. Whatever it is, I've made my choices, and for better or for worse I've gotta live with them. I'm only praying, and praying hard, that things will turn out for the best. Sunday, August 07, 2005 I didn't know I was so tired until I took a break this weekend. Gotta take better care of myself, now I understand the value of my parents' constant nagging to sleep early, eat fruits and exercise more. It's strange why I neglect the people closest to me, yet lavish attention on people who aren't. It reminds me of this book called Heartland, where the protagonist does the same only to end up estranged from both his family and his friends. I remember telling myself not to do the same, yet that's what I've been unknowingly doing. When I'm home all I think about is sleeping, instead of talking to my parents, talking to my brother. I think I'm taking them for granted, they do so much for me and all I do in return is say thanks. I really should sit down and get my priorities clear, instead of muddling through life as I am doing now. I seem to have forgotten all that I've learnt the past few months from WBG. I'm slipping back to my old pattern once again. Hopefully it's not too late to make amends. Rag Day yesterday was excellent! I'm now sunburnt but in the end it was all worth it, we swept the rag category, winning best float design, best float, best dance and best overall rag. I've seen the seniors pulling all-nighters all the way till the last minute to complete the float and I must say they truly deserve to win. Now I can walk around with and chest puffed out and declare "I'm from Sheares Hall!" School's starting tomorrow, and I'm feeling stressed. I'm not confident of straight 'A's this semester, but that's exactly what is needed to stay on course for 1st class honours. Not much I can do but try my best, and hopefully that's enough. Thursday, August 04, 2005 Lifehouse - Hanging by a Moment Desperate for changing Starving for truth I'm closer to where I started Chasing after you I'm falling even more in love with you Letting go of all I've held onto I'm standing here until you make me move I'm hanging by a moment here with you Forgetting all I'm lacking Completely incomplete I'll take your invitation You take all of me now... I'm falling even more in love with you Letting go of all I've held onto I'm standing here until you make me move I'm hanging by a moment here with you I'm living for the only thing I know I'm running and not quite sure where to go And I don't know what I'm diving into Just hanging by a moment here with you There's nothing else to lose There's nothing else to find There's nothing in the world That can change my mind There is nothing else There is nothing else There is nothing else Desperate for changing Starving for truth I'm closer to where I started Chasing after you.... I'm falling even more in love with you Letting go of all I've held onto I'm standing here until you make me move I'm hanging by a moment here with you I'm living for the only thing I know I'm running and not quite sure where to go And I don't know what I'm diving into Just hanging by a moment here with you Just hanging by a moment (here with you) Hanging by a moment (here with you) Hanging by a moment here with you Monday, August 01, 2005 Long overdue update is finally here! I've settled well into my room at Sheares Hall! It's bigger than I thought, just the right size; big enough to feel spacious, small enough to feel cosy. Might upload some photos of my room if I feel like it, already the clutter is building up haha. Also, I've bought a new laptop! A nice nice IBM T43 souped up with 1.86Ghz processor, 1GB RAM, 80GB hard drive and a ATI Radeon Mobility X300 with 64MB video RAM. For a whooping $2800+. So now I'm connected to the world wide web from my room as well! Again, I might upload photos of my new precious, after I decorate it a little haha. Been really worn out these few weeks, juggling hall orientation, faculty float, university admin work, friends and family, and trying to find some personal space and time amidst all that. But the new friends I've made are great, even though I tend to forget their names, yikes. Latest headache is module bidding. I've had to reshuffle my schedule more than a few times before finally ending up with something I like. Now let's hope all my bids go through and I can stop worrying about this stupid thing. Again, apologies to everyone I've neglected over the past couple of months. People I've meant to call but never did, people I've meant to meet but never did, promises made but never kept. I'll try to make it up when school opens next week (assuming everyone's still free then), provided my module bids all go through smoothly, haha. Meanwhile bear with (or without) me for a while longer! |
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