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Tuesday, January 30, 2007 Today's Calvin and Hobbes is nice as well (once again courtesy of www.gocomics.com)  For the past week or so I've been using a plugin that starts my music player in the morning automatically. I made a playlist containing upbeat and cheery songs and they wake me up in the morning. It's improved my moods and behavior quite a bit =) You might want to give it a try. Beneath it all I guess I'm just not ready yet. I don't know how to care for somebody besides myself. I'm not the finished article yet (will I ever be?). I enjoy my current life, carefree and without worries - rather, with enough worries already. Anyway, as I said during a supper some time ago, this ain't the kind of thing one can seek; looking for it will only make it easier to miss. So let me spend my effort on things that will actually show returns, like my friends, my family, my schoolwork, rather than think endlessly about a question that has no answer. =) Monday, January 29, 2007 Just wanna share today's cool comics..    All from www.gocomics.com =) I've moved Frisky (my hamster, for those who've forgotten) to their summer palace, because Sassy looks like she's about to give birth again. This makes it her 3rd litter, and I hope this batch survives! The pet shop lady advised that I separate the father, now I only hope they'll accept him back after his "enforced holiday". I was woken up in the middle of the night yesterday by 2 wheels rattling, the summer palace has a REALLY NOISY wheel.. I dunno how I'm going to sleep from now on =P Saturday, January 27, 2007 生日快乐, starring 古天乐 and 刘若英. Watched it just now, a touching story about 2 people who love each other, but never got together. Why not? I wouldn't spoil the movie for you.. :) PF couldn't understand the guy's actions. I could, and I explained it to her, but she still didn't seem to understand that he did the best he could, and there couldn't have been a happy ending, even if he did what PF suggests. I would have done exactly the same, in his shoes. PF also commented that guys might watch the movie and learn to do the wrong thing. On the contrary, I feel that most guys will reach the same decision even without any movie's influence. I guess the ladies just don't get it. And here's the song that Mr. Koo keeps trying to sing throughout the movie. 有多少爱可以重来 Everytime I see people hold hands I'm filled with bitter envy, because that's one thing (of many) I cannot do, because of my sweaty palms. Am seriously considering going for the operation, side effects be damned. A lot of saving up to do, in that case.. Wednesday, January 24, 2007 (For the rest of this short entry I'm going to be using "you" a lot. Because I don't want to use "I", which sounds weird, and I don't want to use "he", which sounds even weirder. But just understand that what follows is not directed at you, although if you think it helps you're welcome to take my 'advice' to heart.) You know how, when you meet somebody you like (I mean romantically), you'll be drawn to that person, wanting to get closer and closer, hoping that "things will work out". And it doesn't always "work out".. "Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean that I don't like her anymore" struck me as a very strange statement to make, but on further thought makes complete sense. After all, you like a person not simply because you think things can "work out" between you and him/her, right? There has to be something that attracted you to that person in the first place, for you to want to try and "work it out", and that something is most likely still there, be it a smile, or be it (hopefully) something more and deeper. Attraction (or love, as the romantics insist on calling it) is but one of the essential ingredients for a relationship to "work out"; it is a fragile track, easily derailed by any one of a million things. Why, then, do so many relationships end (in some cases, having never begun) in such pain, suffering and mutual dislike? The only reason for this, it seems, is Man's stubborn nature. Man has always had a problem knowing when to stop, knowing when to give up. And often, a person (both persons, rather) will only give up when he/she's been through so much hurt and suffering, the blame for which is pinned squarely at the other party (humans must always have something tangible to aim at). It is only natural to hate that which causes us pain, non? However it is not all fine and dandy for those who choose to give up before having suffered "enough". While their rational minds may applaud their foresight and determination, their hearts ache and torment them for "chickening out". And it is a strange and unpleasant feeling, I guess, akin to looking at an exhibit of priceless jewelry, to be so attracted by the sparkle yet choked by the knowledge that it is forever out of reach. Monday, January 22, 2007 Last night was a night full of dreams. I think I must have had 8 or 9 dreams. Sleep, dream, wake up, adjust blanket, repeat from start. The last dream, I still remember.. I went into my room and, as I was about to go back out, I spied a big wasp sitting on my bed. I went to my bedroom window, opened it, and crouched in a corner with my hands covering my head, waiting for the wasp to fly out (dunno why I did that, instead of sidling out of the room). The wasp landed on my head. So I thought, maybe it'll fly away after a while. But, as I kept myself still, it crawled onto my right hand and seemed to have no intention of leaving. It got agitated and tried to bite me (dunno why it didn't sting, but thank goodness for that!). I held my right hand out and ran to the kitchen and asked my mom for help. My mom was like, what do you expect me to do? So I bashed the wasp against the edge of the kitchen sink repeatedly, until it stopped moving. (My brain doesn't know what a squashed wasp looks like so things didn't get messy in my dream :P) Wasp Anyway I must have been around 10 years old in my dream because it's been a long time since I had to look up to talk to mom. Friday, January 19, 2007 KTV on Wednesday night was great fun! So was KTV on Thursday night! Different groups of friends, but very similar songs.. because my song knowledge is really quite limited lah :P Somehow most of the songs became songs that I know how to sing, and I enjoyed myself throughly, and I wonder whether I was the easygoing one or were the others all accomodating me? Especially when D and J received such shocking news on the same day.. and for our sakes they put aside their sorrow and went ahead with the plans for the day.. I hope they're ok, and don't take it too hard. It's always sad, and a little scary, to learn that someone my own age has passed away. At the prime of his life, with a long future ahead of him. All those lives he'll never touch, achievements he'll never make, the world made a dimmer place by his absence. And what does it feel like to be there one moment, and suddenly gone the next? Even a man who has lived to a ripe old age will regret things he didn't get to do, much less a young man in his early 20s, who never had the chance to do anything? My memory of him is only a shadow of a face, a friend of a friend. Deepest condolences to all whose lives he's touched in greater ways than mine. I read PF's blog of Wednesday's outing, and I remember myself back in JC, a simpler time when I'd give of myself unselfishly, when I really CARED and cared enough to do something about it. I really cared for the class, saw myself as responsible for it, influenced by BenK's selflessness and commitment to 4M. So when a classmate is in trouble, I did all I could to help him/her. And I tried especially hard to keep those who left after the 1st 3 months a part of the class, because that is what they are. 敢爱敢恨，敢做敢为敢当, that's who I was. Something has changed between then and now. I can't pinpoint the why or the when. Where I used to leap off emotional cliffs at a run, now I inch my way to the edge, totter there for what seems forever, before easing myself over the edge. In case the analogy is unclear (I think it is, but I can't think of anything better now), I've become protective of myself, maybe too protective, and I'm holding back. And it's not preventing me from getting hurt at all. On the contrary all that hesitation has cost me -- no longer is my life a rich tapestry of vibrant colours, now it's more like a drab rag of greys. Here I know people will beg (or demand, rather) to differ. Look at me, they say, I'm so busy nowadays that it's nearly impossible to get me out to sing KTV. :$ I'm involved in so much stuff, I'm constantly out and about, I'm living life to the fullest. But something's not quite there. Emotionally, you reap what you sow. This is regardless of actual tangible achievement. I feel like a colourblind man looking at the Mona Lisa, or at the Sistine Chapel. Despite it's majesty, despite me knowing its majesty and beauty, it's all grey to me. Even my hockey team, through no fault of theirs. They're all great chaps, and I'm proud of them, but it's all grey. What was to be my commitment and my labour of love tastes like plain water to me, because I didn't, maybe couldn't, give all of myself. I want my colour TV back. There's this part of my heart that's walled up. It belongs to a friend I hold very dear. This part used to contain places of beauty, memories that will bring smiles. When I left it it had become a wasteland, filled with rot and decay. Things have healed, but I'd been loathe to take down the wall; I had a timetable, an "estimated completion date" for the recovery of that place, and I was going to stick to that date. It's utter foolishness, I know, but I was scared, scared that the green grass was a veneer, grown on diseased soil, rot waiting to burst forth once again and this time claim the entirety of my heart. Notice the use of the past tense. May the friendship really last forever this time. :) Last night was another all-night KTV session.. No time to sleep when I got back to hall, though, did work, went for a project meeting, had lunch with friends (sorry I was so quiet), luckily I was given an excuse to fix a friend's computer another day, and slept from 3pm till somewhere around 10. Still tired.. Am very happy that L could make it yesterday.. In the weeks before he left hall I felt very distant from him, so it's glad to know that he still remembers us. I miss the singing sessions, the heart-to-heart talks, CS gaming sessions.. And maybe we'll never be as close friends again, but I hope we'll still be able to talk and have fun together. Maybe we can all prove each other wrong, and show that it's possible to find close friends in university. Friends who last a lifetime, friends who care and share and are there for each other. :) Kudos to anyone who's reached here. And read everything in between. I didn't think it's possible. :P I still owe the hockey guys 1x thank-you email.. But it's so hard to make colours out of shades of grey.. :S Tuesday, January 16, 2007 It's been a long time since I last blogged. Somehow the words just will not flow, even now. So I just wanna say that I'm alive and ok. Hope everyone's doing fine. =) |
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