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Friday, January 19, 2007 KTV on Wednesday night was great fun! So was KTV on Thursday night! Different groups of friends, but very similar songs.. because my song knowledge is really quite limited lah :P Somehow most of the songs became songs that I know how to sing, and I enjoyed myself throughly, and I wonder whether I was the easygoing one or were the others all accomodating me? Especially when D and J received such shocking news on the same day.. and for our sakes they put aside their sorrow and went ahead with the plans for the day.. I hope they're ok, and don't take it too hard. It's always sad, and a little scary, to learn that someone my own age has passed away. At the prime of his life, with a long future ahead of him. All those lives he'll never touch, achievements he'll never make, the world made a dimmer place by his absence. And what does it feel like to be there one moment, and suddenly gone the next? Even a man who has lived to a ripe old age will regret things he didn't get to do, much less a young man in his early 20s, who never had the chance to do anything? My memory of him is only a shadow of a face, a friend of a friend. Deepest condolences to all whose lives he's touched in greater ways than mine. I read PF's blog of Wednesday's outing, and I remember myself back in JC, a simpler time when I'd give of myself unselfishly, when I really CARED and cared enough to do something about it. I really cared for the class, saw myself as responsible for it, influenced by BenK's selflessness and commitment to 4M. So when a classmate is in trouble, I did all I could to help him/her. And I tried especially hard to keep those who left after the 1st 3 months a part of the class, because that is what they are. 敢爱敢恨，敢做敢为敢当, that's who I was. Something has changed between then and now. I can't pinpoint the why or the when. Where I used to leap off emotional cliffs at a run, now I inch my way to the edge, totter there for what seems forever, before easing myself over the edge. In case the analogy is unclear (I think it is, but I can't think of anything better now), I've become protective of myself, maybe too protective, and I'm holding back. And it's not preventing me from getting hurt at all. On the contrary all that hesitation has cost me -- no longer is my life a rich tapestry of vibrant colours, now it's more like a drab rag of greys. Here I know people will beg (or demand, rather) to differ. Look at me, they say, I'm so busy nowadays that it's nearly impossible to get me out to sing KTV. :$ I'm involved in so much stuff, I'm constantly out and about, I'm living life to the fullest. But something's not quite there. Emotionally, you reap what you sow. This is regardless of actual tangible achievement. I feel like a colourblind man looking at the Mona Lisa, or at the Sistine Chapel. Despite it's majesty, despite me knowing its majesty and beauty, it's all grey to me. Even my hockey team, through no fault of theirs. They're all great chaps, and I'm proud of them, but it's all grey. What was to be my commitment and my labour of love tastes like plain water to me, because I didn't, maybe couldn't, give all of myself. I want my colour TV back. There's this part of my heart that's walled up. It belongs to a friend I hold very dear. This part used to contain places of beauty, memories that will bring smiles. When I left it it had become a wasteland, filled with rot and decay. Things have healed, but I'd been loathe to take down the wall; I had a timetable, an "estimated completion date" for the recovery of that place, and I was going to stick to that date. It's utter foolishness, I know, but I was scared, scared that the green grass was a veneer, grown on diseased soil, rot waiting to burst forth once again and this time claim the entirety of my heart. Notice the use of the past tense. May the friendship really last forever this time. :) Last night was another all-night KTV session.. No time to sleep when I got back to hall, though, did work, went for a project meeting, had lunch with friends (sorry I was so quiet), luckily I was given an excuse to fix a friend's computer another day, and slept from 3pm till somewhere around 10. Still tired.. Am very happy that L could make it yesterday.. In the weeks before he left hall I felt very distant from him, so it's glad to know that he still remembers us. I miss the singing sessions, the heart-to-heart talks, CS gaming sessions.. And maybe we'll never be as close friends again, but I hope we'll still be able to talk and have fun together. Maybe we can all prove each other wrong, and show that it's possible to find close friends in university. Friends who last a lifetime, friends who care and share and are there for each other. :) Kudos to anyone who's reached here. And read everything in between. I didn't think it's possible. :P I still owe the hockey guys 1x thank-you email.. But it's so hard to make colours out of shades of grey.. :S
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