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Friday, June 30, 2006 FIN. A little voice at the back of my head asks why I don't fel sad. Well, it's not that I don't feel sad, but sadness is just one small part of the tsunami of emotions crashing through my brain right now. Sadness that there can be nothing more between us, relief that I have finally found release, worry that Sel might be involved, concern that the 2 of them are still... at it, even envy, just a wee bit, for obvious reasons. Now, she'll just join the small group of girls who are special to me, whom I'll go the extra mile for, knowing all the while that nothing further is possible. With her it'll be a bit harder, since I will have to see her a fair bit more often than the rest, but nothing a little effort wouldn't settle. Saturday, June 24, 2006 Yay today finally met ying... and her friend. Well it's a relief to know she wouldn't be alone when she starts her uni studies next sem. And I'll be able to ask her out sometimes for lunch next sem! Camp's next Monday, but somehow I can't seem to work up the mood for it. It's gonna be fun, sure, we even had our first OG outing yesterday! Well, according to ZG, it counts as one. 第一次 - 光良 -------------- 当你看着我，我没有开口已被你猜透 还是没把握，还是没有符合你的要求 是我自己想得太多，还是你也在闪躲 如果真的选择是我，我鼓起勇气去接受 不知不觉让视线开始闪烁 Oh 第一次我说爱你的时候 呼吸难过，心不停地颤抖 Oh 第一次我牵起你的双手 失去方向，不知该往哪走 那是一起相爱的理由 那是一起厮守 Oh 第一次吻你深深的酒窝 想要清醒，却冲昏了头 Oh 第一次你躺在我的胸口 二十四小时没有分开过 那是第一次知道天长地久 感觉你属于我，感觉你的眼眸 第一次就确定，绝不会错 Thursday, June 22, 2006 Mental block still there. I wouldn't have anything to show tomorrow. Apologies. I've always thought that, once I recover, I'll step back up to take my rightful place. Only now, I wonder. Everything has changed, and maybe there is no place for me anymore. Maybe there's no place for you anymore. Of course, everything is just talk, until I do recover. Then we'll see what happens. Things that are illogical by nature cannot be dealt with using logic. Things that are unknown will not become known through thought alone. Futile actions and futile thoughts only waste time. Yikes, maybe I'm watching too much Evangelion. Wednesday, June 21, 2006 After reading my granddaughter's blog.. I start wondering if my blog is one of those she's referring to, one of those mundane blogs that read more like a history textbook than anything else. Then I decide that I don't care. Haha. I don't think she reads this, anyway. K-box on Sunday with cousins and today with Kiat and the 4M chaps. My sore throat and blocked nose spoilt Sunday but luckily not today. And I never knew an all-boys KTV outing could be this fun! Everyone has changed, but it seems that everyone has kept pace with each other's changes because no one feels like a stranger even after so long. Of course, some things never change, such as The Dope. But some people are so different. I still remember KH pulling off wrestling moves on his bed, I still remember a very very blur WL and our mutual dislike for each other. Now both of them are happily attached, and no longer the young boys of 7 years ago. I'm 7 years older, too, and I've had my fair share of experiences to age me, even if they aren't etched on my face. And what I'm always gratified and amazed at is how we all still get along so well together. The whole world may change, but hopefully that fact will never change. The world is fraught with change, and things are never what they seem, but our friendship, which has its roots in a time when we were young and innocent and genuine, let it be a constant, an anchor. Met K on Monday night also, and I drove him around the estate for a while. In a few more years we'll have known each other half our lives! And we still haven't run out of things to say to each other. Yes tonight is a night for gratitude, to give thanks for what I have, rather than harp, as I always did, upon what I do not have and cannot have. Saw lays at the void deck after my run just now. Her hair is still some way short of its usual length, and she's thinner, but at least she's energetic and looks healthy. I'm only ashamed that this happened before I had a chance to go visit her. I mean, she lives just downstairs! It seems, the closer people are, the more easily they're neglected. And ying. We wanted to meet on saturday, and that fell through. Sunday fell through also, and wednesday as well. I remember giving myself 3 chances at bat this time last year. And being struck out as well. Maybe it's just fate. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that our next meeting goes ahead as planned. Still a lot of people to meet! But for now it's back to work.. Wednesday, June 14, 2006 达文西夜阑人静，正在熟睡的达文西睁开了眼睛。为什么，会无缘无故想起蒙娜丽萨呢？为什么，会突然担心她是否平安？达文西回想起当年,自己如何试图抗拒她的美，她的微笑。又回想起自己如何抱着破碎的心灵，在深夜里狂奔。真是痴心妄想！自己有什么本事，与英俊潇洒，有财有势的爵士比呢？经过了这么久，破碎的心已开始渐渐愈合。为何又在想起伤心的过去呢？再说，他根本没有资格为蒙娜丽萨操心--想必，爵士一定对她关怀备至，无微不至。她，必定过得幸福，快乐。何须达文西的关心呢？想到这，达文西紧闭双眼，盼望睡眠能够让自己暂时忘掉不愉快。窗外，开始下起雨来。 过了好久，好久，达文西依然辗转难眠。他点燃蜡烛，拿出颜料，绘纸，画笔。他开始画出，那沉寂在脑海里无法抹去的微笑。或许，将脑海里的一切都转移到纸上，就能够磨灭它在心中投射的阴影。 Tuesday, June 13, 2006 I've been reading a lot of books lately.. Here's another quote from one of them: "One thing, he had learned, women were better at than anything else: teaching a man to sigh." Robert Jordan, A Crown of Swords Haha. I believe that everybody, as they go through life, will encounter things, be them a tune, a sentence or a person, who set off ringing peals in their heart, or soul, or both. Sometimes people ignore them, or misinterpret them, and they disappear like mist at noon. Those who don't, will be drawn to it, and will do something about it. Me, I'll share what I find, and hope to find like-minded people, people who also feel the resonance. Those people.. are more likely to understand me. Or maybe just a part of me. And I more likely them, too. Monday, June 12, 2006 "I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing" -- T. S. Eliot Reading Dean Koontz's novels always chill me with the thought that, since there exists someone who can dream up of such psychotic stuff and write about it, might there also exist someone who can dream up of such psychotic stuff and execute it..? Still, he writes the best page-turners I've ever read. And there's always a happy ending; the books are about good triumphing over evil, about doing the right thing, about trusting instincts, about love and compassion, about all that's good about the human spirit and soul, even more than what's evil. Saturday, June 10, 2006 Thoughts after going out: Girls who fumble pens are cute. Going out alone can be fun. White Sands doesn't have a second-hand bookshop. Who said one can't co-exist with the library? I should bring my library card with me whenever I go out. The row of shops along the MRT line have finally opened (yes, I haven't been there for that long). Makes the place more lively. But otherwise I don't care. They're still giving away Coke Light. Makes me wonder why anyone would bother buying, when they keep giving it away. I really, really hate driving when my dad's in the car. Or maybe it's just evidence of an inflating ego, that I find it harder and harder to take his criticism. TCM is quite amazing. I miss army life. At least then, there seemed to be light at the end of the tunnel. Why do aunties and uncles who meet me for the first time / haven't seen me for a long time ask me / my parents whether I've served NS yet?? If I was 20 years older maybe, just maybe, I will be flattered. What can I do to stop it? Use more Hokkien vulgarities? Salute everyone I meet and address them as Sir/Madam? Or maybe something more subtle, a blood-red sign worn on the chest that says "I've served my full 2 1/2 years already, thank you very much for wanting to ask"?! Life, the Universe, and Everything. Every time I think I've figured it out, I go and prove myself wrong all over again. Only, the time between figuring it out and not is getting longer and longer. By extrapolation / induction, I'm gonna be alright eventually. I only wish it'll be sooner rather than later, a man really shouldn't live like this.
Thursday, June 08, 2006 For the past few weeks, I've been trying to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, from myself even. It's worked to some extent, if you discount the number of times I snapped at my parents, my brother or even myself for no reason. Every steam cooker has to have a vent, and mine's no exception. So... Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst. Ahhh. I'm getting quite fed up with myself. And I've long since run out of things to do to rid myself of this foolishness. Sensible things, that is. Eeargh. |
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