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Saturday, November 18, 2006 So, this is the official pre-mugging post, where I document the state of my head so I can resume it once I switch back out of mugging mode. It is imperative that I clear my head before I start mugging for exams, else nothing will get in. Last semester despite heavy odds I managed it, so this semester should be ok, too. Over the past few days 2 people have told me that I'm changing. One said that I'm becoming "uncle", while the other said that I'm no longer the fun-loving, happy-go-lucky guy that I was. Really? I mean, I observe myself and I think that I have indeed lost most of my sense of fun, but I'm pinning it down to different circumstances rather than a change in personality. Last time there was nothing to worry about so I was focused on having fun. Now I'm feeling the weight of responsibilities, and the importance of every decision, every action I make. If I spend my whole day with brows locked, how am I going to have fun? But I admit, I should lighten up nevertheless.. "Free your mind from worries - Most never happen." Every morning I wake up and immediately I start thinking about what happened yesterday and what's going to happen today and I can't go back to sleep even if I want to. Like today. I've been.. slipping back into darkness.. back to a time when everything around me falls into disrepair, when the vines grow and the walls crumble and cobwebs gather, when I cannot be bothered about anything at all, when I live day to day with eyes unseeing and ears not hearing and a heart of stone. I know precisely what's causing this, and regrettably this seems like a necessary stage to snapping out of it. So all I can do is try to make this stage end faster. The question, though, is how? And it isn't the first time that L and I are upset with W. We are quite justified in saying that he takes from us and gives to others. Normally when he disappoints us L and I will just carry on ourselves, but luck has it that I'm in a malaise and so I let L down also. I think W is being irresponsible and I think he owes both of us an apology for breaking a promise. Apparently he doesn't think so, and he's trying to act as if nothing's happened. And it's hard to demand an apology when the person doesn't feel he is in the wrong. just like it's impossible to demand love when a person doesn't feel she's in love. So I give him a bit of cold shoulder, and hopefully he'll do some self-reflection and see what he could have done differently. It's been 2 weeks, and I've been obediently resting my foot (which hasn't helped my mood at all, because I love to play sports), but it still hurts. And on Thursday when I did some jogging to test it, it was still perceptibly weak and I was using my other muscles to compensate for it (which was what led to this injury in the first place). I'm almost worried enough to see a chiropractor about it. I have to get well in time to resume training after the exams. I'm so sorry, this post is all about my worries and nothing else. And I haven't even touched on all of my personal worries, and nothing at all about my worries as Hockey captain, and in all the other posts I'm holding. But let me just park these here, and I'll park the rest somewhere else, because I can't go for a marathon with a full pack on my back.
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