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Thursday, September 29, 2005 I have stopped thinking. There is no longer the time or the luxury to think. Every day is filled with doing and resting and doing some more. Gone are the days when I could play one afternoon of solitaire and really think through the past, the present and the future. It is good in a way, for I become happier without my depressing thoughts. But now I stumble from day to day without a purpose, and at the end of the day, if I have that one minute to stop and ask, "What am I doing all this for?", the answer is, "I don't know." If there is one reason why I don't want to continue staying in Sheares after one year, this is probably it. While it is fun to have fun, life is, sadly, more than just about having fun. Leopards really cannot change their spots. For the past 6 months I have tried to live a life that wasn't mine, and failed at it. Maybe it is more prudent to accept myself for who and what I am rather than try to mould myself, at this age, into who and what I wish I am. Maybe it is better for me to reinforce my strengths rather than try to make up for my weaknesses. Maybe it if futile to struggle against the gradient, better to just follow it down the slope instead. Maybe I'm just tired.
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