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Saturday, June 26, 2004 ------------------------------------------------- AquaLung - Strange And Beautiful ------------------------------------------------- I've been watching your world from afar, I've been trying to be where you are, And I've been secretly falling apart, I'll see. To me, you're strange and you're beautiful, You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see, You turn every head but you don't see me. I'll put a spell on you, You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you. And when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see, And you'll realise that you love me. Yeah... Yeah... Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first, Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes, And I know, the waiting is all you can do, Sometimes... I'll put a spell on you, You'll fall asleep, I'll put a spell on you, And when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see, And you'll realise that you love me. I'll put a spell on you, You'll fall asleep 'cos I'll put a spell on you, And when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see, And you'll realise that you love me, yeah... Saturday, June 19, 2004 I lost my marksman badge yesterday. The reality sank in when our 'Chief of Staff' announced that all marksmen can proudly wear their badges on Monday's parade. And I'll have to tear mine off. I was crushed. For a month I had been wearing all the badges I could expect to get in my NS life: Gold IPPT, Marksman, EOD. And I was mighty proud of myself for that achievement. Now I'll have to tear one of them off, with no chance of reclaiming it. And I'd wasted 3 hard days at the range. It's with sullenness that I took one last look at the range as I left it yesterday. But the signs were there that I would not get marksman this time. When I first heard the news that my platoon was to conduct the range and shoot in it at the same time, I was vehemently opposed to the idea. Of course, I had little say in it, but I was unhappy anyway. As it turned out, during the past 3 days I had barely time to eat and clean my rifle. I was in charge of detailing, scoring and rations as well. The recent chain of events has had me working almost non-stop since late May, and I was already physically and mentally worn out. I was certainly in worse condition than last December, when I got my marksman badge. No comfort that I did try my best, the badge is still lost. I felt like hugging someone and crying yesterday. On another note, there's a public EOD display tomorrow at Pasir Ris MRT. There's going to be a demonstration in the morning of a suspected find in the MRT station as well. I'll be there as part of the static display until noon, so feel free to visit the display and me as well. =) Tuesday, June 15, 2004 -------------------------------- Halfway to the Bottom - Aqualung -------------------------------- You're either dipping your toe or you're drowning You're either dipping your toe or you're drowning Is it better never to start Than to bear the pain Of having to stop Of having to stop Halfway to the bottom Instantly forgotten I never thought it would come so easy I never thought it would go So quickly Is it safer never to love Than to risk your heart Having to lose Having to lose Halfway to the bottom Instantly forgotten I don't know Which way to go Is it wiser never to speak Than to raise your voice And never be heard never be heard never be heard Maybe, when I ORD finally, I'll look back on today and regard it as an experience of the 'what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger' variety. However, these couple of days have truly been hellish for me. Credits go to 01 x RQMS who goes out of her way to make things difficult for me, 01 x team commander who tossed me his 11B and expected me to do his job for him, 01 x PC who rains water into my ship faster than I can bail it. "The light at the end of the tunnel" is still just 8 words, a spoken promise worth as much as the air it floats on, something that "will come, we just don't know when". CO was surprised at the lack of reaction from us NSFs, when he officially announced to us that we're all ORDing 2 months earlier. He expected applause, cheers, or some other general gesture of happiness. I commented to someone next to me, "But it doesn't make any difference NOW." To most ORD is yet another 'someday' concept, too far away to seem real. What's here and now is the day-to-day grind (insert hectic as well, for some), the on-off cookhouse food quality, the stuffy bunks, the rumour that nights-off will become a memory soon, the ATP shoot starting tomorrow. If the brass are looking for some signs of jubilation and celebration from us, they are going to be disappointed. I'm most probably going overseas July. A small weekend trip to Thailand with some of my bestest friends. Touched that they remembered to include me, didn't think anyone values me as much as I do them (or sometimes more than I do them, even!). My first trip overseas without accompanying parents, therefore all the more excited. Erm, does that mean I've been deprived all along? My plan to transfer entries from paper to here is spluttering. Too tired these couple of weeks to write, just wanna bathe, rot in front of the TV a while, then sleep. Or try to sleep, anyway. Woke up 20-over times yesterday night, every time thinking it was 6 and time to wake up. On-edge all the time, because I'll be working at a high tempo all day and sometimes at night as well. I'd rather be carrying stores like the rest, but I'm cursed with an aptitude for paperwork. Aargh, enough of whining. I wonder how everybody is? I'm sorry but when I'm tired I like to hide in my shell, even a trip out to the barber feels like a chore. Not that anyone tried to ask me out anwyay, grrr. Heh. Thursday, June 03, 2004 Frequent entries come when one is lonely. When lonely and sad, I splurge. Spending to pamper myself makes me feel marginally better, tempered by the realisation that I've 'wasted' money. Withdrew $100 just now, and already I'm left with less than $30. Bought a cap for $25 and the Corrs' latest album for $18, apart for groceries and essentials for staying-in. Those things have been on my want list for ages, but I consider it as splurging nevertheless. It is the act of forking out large amounts of money that irks me, rather than the objects being bought, I suppose. Shopping for food brings back fond memories of BMT days. Every Sunday we booked in with bulging bags of goodies. My bunk appointed food ICs -- I was the potato chip IC, and kept my bunk well-supplied with Pringles and Lays. Other sections would raid us once in a while: people would saunter in, bantering with us while happily pinching a share of the food. Initially they got away with it, later on they'd leave with their ears ringing from the abuses we rained. Every night was makan night and we always slept with full stomachs. Our favourite food -- a can of Ayam Brand tune, chilli or curry flavoured, with Jacobs crackers for dipping. Everyone attacks that with gusto, and took special care to keep poachers away from that delicacy. It's little things like these which remain in the memory for a long time. Now staying-in is a lonely affair, everybody still going his own way after work, each trying to adapt to staying-in on his own. I'm the only person in the bunk now, writing before I sleep. A hard day today, another hard day promised tomorrow. Yet time flows as slowly as ever. 3rd of June. 351 long days to ORD. 351 days of staying-in. How many days before I settle in, before I regain my equilibrium? Morale throughout the platoon is non-existent. The common consensus is that we're being sorely overworked. Already we're in charge of organising almost all of June's events. Add this to the fact that "All NSF officers and specialists are to stay in w.e.f. 01 June 2004", and you understand how rotten I feel now. I don't walk around the unit anymore -- now it's either a sad shuffle, imitating a recently ORDed mess boy, or an angry stamp. Regarding stay-in, one can't help but feel depressed. For us it is akin to having a lollipop snatched away mid-lick. Last night I had to drag myself back to camp. And was woken up in the middle of the night by loud snorts from the badly-blocked nose of a neighbour. Spent one full hour getting back to sleep. In an army, especially in the Singaporean army, life amazingly goes on as usual. Morale issues come into little consideration when work is the issue. As one sergeant put it, "we'll kao bei a lot, but the work still gets done." Maybe because there's such a large ratio of specialists in my unit. This, incidentally, is my new system of blogging: I write them down on paper in camp, then I transfer them here when I get home. Just in case you were wondering why the entry timings are during office hours. Internet access in my unit is limited to only 2 computers, and competition for them has hottened up considerably.. |
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