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Tuesday, May 04, 2004 This is from camp. I'm on standby today. I've lost my angst!! Can't write anything of substance here.. Though I tried to today. I don't know whether this is good news or bad news.. On the bright side, I'm happier than before. On the flip side, this blog's gonna become a boring, "brushed my teeth fed the dog went to work" type of blog. Or maybe not... Today I tried, as usual, my best to try my best. Sounds funny but effort is required to sustain effort. =P For a while last week I contemplated pinning the words "YOU SUCK" above my bed, to be the first thing I see when I wake up. A message to myself everyday that I'm not there yet, that I cannot be complacent, that I cannot slacken off. But that'll freak my parents out as well. Anyway message received, people around me constantly remind me, through my effort, that I cannot slack off. I don't want to be condemned again. Sadly, B is still in fairyland. I have no idea how to warn him without him taking it the wrong way. His carelessness has earned the ire of the others again today. How long will things go on before the air becomes too sour to ignore? Things are just different since the four of us entered the platoon. Then again, was it really a fairytale before us? Probably not, come to think of it. Like it or not, office politics and a whipping boy will always exist wherever there's an office. Humans like to compare everything and anything. My mother used to say, "人比人, 气死人". Comparing has many ill effects, especially when workloads are compared. Everyone feels his workload is heavier than the others; everyone think it is unfair that he has a harder time than the others. One complains about preparing stores for an upcmoing operation on his own; another fumes that he is in charge of indentments, and has more paperwork than the others; another is always 'arrowed' by the platoon commander, and thinks, "Why not the others?" And the unhappiness between them builds like water swelling behind a dam. One day the dam bursts, and there is major fallout. The alternative is a big pool of dead water that fouls the amosphere. What for, what for? Equality is an ideal. Ideals only exists in people's imaginations. Fairness is an ideal as well. The world is only equal, and fair, in the eyes of the privileged. Or, that is what the unprivileged like me like to think. But in actual fact it is never fair. Since that is the reality, why complain when it is not fair? It never was fair. Rather than seethe over the fact, and start blaming others for the fact, why not just accept it as it is? Ooh, have I found some angst again? I am pleased that I lost it for a while, or thought I did. I should have known better. Well, it's something everyone should learn. To lose their angst, forget their troubles, for a while. To breathe air easy, like a 3-year-old with nothing weighing his mind down. To be genuinely happy, if only for a while. And when the troubles come back, blog it all out. And then feel better again. I think I got the perfect quote to end this off with: "Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything." - Mary Hemingway |
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