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Thursday, March 25, 2004 Last week I opened my written diary and was shocked to find that I had not written in it for half a year! I analysed the reasons in my written diary, so I see no need to repeat them here.. Somehow in my written diary I'm more open about what I think, feel and experience. The idea of living in a glass-house, writing everything in a public blog for all to see, is impractical. After all, everyone has hidden secrets, hidden thoughts, that are not for public consumption. Furthermore I put in effort to write with detail and elaborations in my diary. I do not want to be reading it months or years down the road and not understand what I was trying to say to myself then. Hindsight makes the insurmountable problems of the past seem so insignificant now. My friends appear to be going through bad patches recently. Their blogs speak of sadness, of being lost. I wish I could do something for them, but they are the ones who have to slay their own dragons. And meanwhile, I have my own dragons to slay. I can only wish them well from here, and leave them with a quote: "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." - Helen Keller I have not seen my secondary school classmates for more than a year already. They must have forgotten me, for that's who I am: forgettable. Quiet, unremarkable, had no life, nothing special to remember me by. I was very average then. And still am now. It is a subconscious urge, to be average, to be in the background, to stay out of the limelight. I am quite adverse to attention, a fear that I'll be unable to 'rise up to the occasion', a fear that I'll disappoint. Since my youth, expectations of me have been high, being in the Gifted programme where everyone was expected to be a leader, to be special, to be talented. But I was not, am not. As long as no one can tell, it's alright, I'll pretend to be one of the bunch. But when the light falls on me, they'll find out that I'm no tall heron, I'm just a chicken thrown into the wrong pen. What will happen to me then? What will I do? How I did stray from the topic. Anyway, now that a number of my secondary school classmates are abroad in university, there seems little incentive to meet. I'll have to find the time to meet them, either individually or as a group. I haven't seen my JC classmates for a few months, as well, and I'm starting to miss them. Looks like I'll be busy during my platoon block leave next month.
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