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Friday, February 27, 2004 Changed the layout today. The preset layouts were getting boring. Next on my to-do list -- tagboard. Tomorrow maybe. Managed to get off for tomorrow. going to wake up late. And sleep late today too, by the looks of it. I once liked a girl, a very lovely girl called JY. The first time I met her was during a course I signed up for 3 years ago. The course was crappy, but I didn't mind attending because I couldn't keep my eyes off her. She wasn't drop-dead gorgeous, but she had intelligent eyes, a beautiful smile and an aur of self-confidence. The first and only time I had to make a presentation in that course, I nearly suffocated myself. Her eyes were on me and my eyes keep returning to her and my heart was in a marathon. She smiled at me and my knees jellied. All these might sound exaggerated but they're not, I can still recall that day vividly. After the course ended I saw her around school occasionally. I wanted to be friends with her but I had no middleman and I was too shy. Anyway everytime she walked by me my mind will be overwhelmed. All I can do is smile at her stupidly. It was hard to think straight whenever she was around. She was probably waiting for me to make the first move, because she did nothing but smile at me and send my heart into ecstatic stacattoes. It turned out that a friend's friend was in the same class as she was. It took me weeks to work up the courage to ask that friend for help. One evening after bowling training I finally called that friend. Could he tell me more about the girl? Could he engineer some chance to introduce me to her? Things started going downhill from there. The friend advised me to make any moves quickly, because she was getting attached soon. Someone had beaten me to the draw! I was stunned. I spent days brooding over the issue. What was I to do? Should I woo her, and fight for her affections? Should I instead spare her the anguish and headache and bow out of the competition? What were my chances anyway? I was neither handsome nor talented nor intelligent. I was weak, had sweaty palms, had no life, was poor, socially inept, and more. After days of agony, I had arrived upon a decision. One that I would regret to this day. I decided to give up and admit defeat, without a fight. I made clear my decision the next time she crossed my path. It was outside the school bookshop. She was walking towards me, and smiled at me as usual. But I gave her the cold shoulder. Ignoring the pain in my heart, I gave her a flat, I-do-not-know-you glance. Then I turned away and walked on. She got the message. Eventually she got attached to the other guy. Regret hung heavy on me. What-if scenarios played through my head. Everytime I saw them together I wished that guy was me. I tried to convince myself that she's better off with him but the crushing sense of loss remained in me. (To be continued) Why did I suddenly recall this incident? I chanced upon her friendster page, that's why. Reading her testimonials was painful -- it made me realise what a delightful girl I've let go. Maybe she would have gone with the other guy even if I tried wooing her but at least I will be at peace with myself. Now I tear myself to pieces wondering why I didn't try, why I let go without a fight. So here I have a message to anybody who reads my blog. Never ever let go of anything without trying to hold on first. Else you wouldn't be able to live with yourself. What you let go of might turn out to be priceless, and nothing you do now can get it back. Don't ever make that mistake. You never know until you try. I pray none of you reading this ever goes through what I have gone through. It's horrible, it's self-destructive.
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